Reckless Roostering: An Open Letter to My Unexpected Rooster →
Dear Ivan (Ivan is our original hen named ‘Ivy’…who is not a hen) -
I am awake. I was enjoying the impending darkness of the AM hours as my brain eased its way into a new day. At 5:35am, it was still pitch black outside…and yet, you crowed. You didn’t crow once - you crowed 18 times in 13 minutes. You scared away my beloved darkness and the light of morning flooded the sky without warning.
It’s Wednesday though now it feels like the third Monday of the week. You rushed the start of morning on a day when I really needed time for my mental transition. I needed time to wrap my head around all that I need to get done today. But now with all of this light staring me in the face, I want to retreat back under the covers and bury my head for another three hours. I’m guessing you will treat me to my own personal serenade if I attempt that.
I know this next part is a little hard to hear (not to be confused with us hearing you - you are loud and EVERYONE hears you). You are being a little bit reckless with your rooster license. I understand that you are still young and inexperienced. We have also not provided you with a suitable role model. I apologize for that. Do you think that you could perhaps indulge us all and find a nice pile of pine shavings to bury your head in when you see the very first streak of lightness in the sky? I’m asking for an extra 20 minutes, not hours. Is that too much?
Perhaps, there is a rooster alarm clock training device on Amazon. I will look into that immediately. I’m a whiz with online research and shopping. I’m open to purchasing extra stinky bug treats or digging up worms for you if bribes are more your thing. Perhaps you just need a nice, cuddly blanket to snuggle up in? I’m happy to knit one for you even though my knitting skills are not up to par (note to self - research Amazon for poop resistant yarn).
This letter has taken me approximately 13 minutes to write and I swear you have crowed an additional 30 more times. If cock-a-doodle-doo races are in your future, I know that you would bring home the gold. Do you think you could perhaps put off your daily practice till at least 6:30am?
I am grateful that you are our rooster. You possess just the right amount of attitude and sass to fit in with the other animals around here (my offspring included). We wouldn’t want you any less fluffy or sleek. Your red comb is a divine shade that I wish would replicate on my tomatoes in the garden. You keep yourself groomed and look ready for chicken cocktail hour at any moment. I’m hoping the rocky dirt is up to your standards for your dust bathing needs. And your crow, it is the manliest of the manliest. We could not ask for a more pleasing sound coming out of your pointy, little beak. We just ask that it come out slightly later in the morning.
I hope you take my concerns under consideration. If you would care to discuss, I’ll be visiting the coop in about an hour to let you and your fellow hens out of your coop. In the meantime, I’m going to sit in a windowless room and simulate the start of my day.
Regards -
Your Grumpy Caretaker.